A different kind of injury: a personal account of dealing with depression

Article by Joost De Raeymaeker

It’s September, Suicide Prevention Month. Runners are no different than other people and can suffer from depression. It can sneak up on you and upend your life and your running. As a runner, a way to look at depression might be to face it like an injury, but instead of a muscle, a bone or a tendon needing special attention and care, it’s your mental state, your head and general health that needs help to get better. 

I wrote this small essay, talking about my own recent history dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s in no way complete or as detailed as it might be, but I hope it can help runners and people in general out there who are reading this. If an only a single person decides to ask for help after reading it, it will have fulfilled its purpose.

 

This is not a post about running shoes.

 

It's not a running shoe review.

 

It's also not a race report.

 

As a matter of fact, I haven't posted a shoe review in quite some time and there's a reason for that. Not an excuse, but a reason.

 

I also haven't raced in quite a while. My last international marathon for that matter was London 2023 to close my six star journey of the world marathon majors. I was planning on all sorts of races after that, but nothing materialized. One of the reasons was purely physical, or so I thought. I had been running injured for a couple of years, training for and running my last two marathons with an insertional hamstring injury. And it affected my training block and also my performance at the races themselves. While my hamstring was gradually getting better, my heel started hurting more.

 

I had been limping on and off for quite some time, with insertional Achilles tendinopathy and retrocalcaneal bursitis on my right foot.

 

I trained through it mostly, but at one point, I thought I had enough, also thanks to some advice from Dr. Bob, one of Sam's friends, who basically told me that if I took care of it, it would be more or less okay in a year. And if I didn't, it would take at least two years or would never get better.

 

So in November last year, I decided to call it quits for a while. And while normally I would take up cycling or whatever to stay busy and stay in shape, I decided to take a complete month and something off running.

 

And everything else as well.

 

In hindsight, that was the start of something else that I hadn't seen coming.

 

A lot has been said and written about depression and retiring runners suffering from Major Depression Disorder, or injured runners getting depressed. There’s also a lot being written about running and physical activity, even walking, being good medicine for four depression.

 

Another bit of background information.

 

I have been suffering on and off of depression since I was 16 or so. I've had bouts and some of them lasted for quite some time, but I had been okay for the last ten years or so, since I was living in Luanda, Angola and I got married and had two little daughters.

 

Everything seemed to be okay.

 

I had a busy life at first as a journalist, a photojournalist, then for a while as a photographer, then as a communication consultant in some international projects. During the pandemic I gradually started changing course and took my Level 1 and Level 2 certification as a USATF Track and Field coach. Level one is general and Level 2 is specialized. I did Endurance, which is basically anything from middle to long distance to steeple chase and race walking.

 

Last year was also a time when I sold all my photo equipment. I still have a couple of lenses left but that's basically it. I had enough of living as a photographer, basically shooting the same stuff over and over again for commercial reasons. Generally, drastic changes like that are a sign that not everything is ok.

 

And I decided to dedicate, myself for a hundred percent to coaching national and international athletes, with part of my income to support some local athletes who wouldn't be able to afford a coach and also trying to get, some Angolan athletes to compete internationally again.

 

Also in November, someone who's very dear to me, had a major schizophrenic breakdown and I ended up, with the agreement of their family, having to admit hem to a psychiatric hospital.

 

And so my life for the next couple of months would be going to the psych ward every day to bring some food and basic necessities, while being insulted by my schizophrenic friend while they were wetting themselves, tied to a bed. For those of you who haven't been to Angola or to some neighboring countries, public health facilities, might be quite different from what you’re used to. People get the very basic necessities and food, but it’s normal for families to bring over food daily and also other things, including some medical supplies for their loved ones. Since this family was living pretty far away, I took it upon me to support that person while they were there, all through the holidays and January.

 

All the while, I was ignoring my own gradually declining mental health. When my friend got discharged , I went to the psychiatrist who was treating them and said: “Look, I've been holding up this far, but I've been having some really really dark and negative thoughts lately and I need help”.

 

The psychiatrist replied:  “Well, come next Saturday and then we'll talk about it. 

 

Without going into detail, this was also the time when my marriage ended and I was out on the street as they say, in a country that was not my own, without any family.

 

So after leaving home, I spent a couple of rough nights sleeping on the floor at a friend’s place., until another friend of mine got me a temporary place to live.

 

This was in March.

 

I was walking around with some very dark thoughts.

 

As an example, I would cross the street and think, you know, what would happen if I just run into that truck now, or while at the beach with some friends I would go for a swim and say to myself, what if I just stopped swimming now?

 

I didn’t get to the point of actively trying to kill myself, but it was a very, very dark period.

 

I basically didn't have the energy at the end of my marriage to argument or to reason. So, whenever there was a discussion or conversation, I would just say, sorry, I don't have the energy to refute any of this or to even talk about it. I’ve been very depressed and have had suicidal thoughts.

 

Since it is international suicide prevention day, this is basically what I wanted to get to. I wanted to show that depression can be very insidious. When you realize it, it’s often already at a stage where you’re basically mentally paralyzed. Thoughts about suicide and “non-existence” are sometimes not far away.

 

I wanted to talk a little bit about my experience and what's kept me going so far (it’s still going to take some time to get better).

 

With my family on another continent (and having emigrated 29 years ago), friends were the only family I had. There was a very small group of friends who constantly reached out to me, who sensed there was something very wrong with me.

 

There was also a point when a couple of times, I sent out a big cry for help. Sometimes even 

through some social media status posts with distorted images of myself, things like that. Those friends would just show up at my door and not leave until they thought I would be okay.

 

So how did I get through it or how am I getting through it little by little?

 

First of all, I will admit I still have some very bad days once in a while.

 

One: professional help. I've been on antidepressants for the last six months or so, and those have been helping to take the edge off.

 

Two: Finding out who my friends are and asking for help.

 

As I said, there was a very small group of friends who took it upon themselves to make sure I was okay. They still do.

 

Three: Very basic. When somebody asks you, how are you? Don’t just go through the motions and say I'm fine or okay, and how are you. Just dare to show your weakness and vulnerability and say I'm not okay. I've been feeling very wrong, and I don't know what to do. Just admit that you need help.

 

Four: Then get the help as well.

 

Five: Running. It's been on and off. I've had weeks where I've run, over 60 miles again and there's been weeks what I've hardly done 20, but very gradually I've been rediscovering my love for running and been enjoying going out for a run more than when I had this external driver, which was winning at all the marathon majors. (Which I failed to do because Boston eluded me) Now, I’m trying to find the joy again and feel the wind in my face, even if I'm not going as fast now as I when I was training hard. 

I’m doing a local race once in a while and hang out with my athletes after the race, talking to people, taking on new athletes, helping out some of the local guys to get better and see what we can do for them to get some on the international circuit again.

 

Those are the things that have been helping me. Your mileage may vary.

 

I still haven't been able to get many things done, although the ideas and the will have been coming back slowly.

 

There are quite a number of shoes here looking at me, waiting for review.

 

I have been talking to Sam by the way of doing a video review of all the plated shoes I have here and I have recorded video, but I haven't been able to get it all done.

 

That leads to a final point.

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t be like some people who will, when you say you just need to find something you want to do or just you need to kick in in the pants or whatever.

 

It reminds me of a quote, I once read, supposedly by Robin Williams (who sadly took his own life). I'm not sure if it was actually his and I’m paraphrasing.

 

“Nobody actually goes around pretending that they're depressed.

People pretend that everything is fine.

You never know what’s underneath, so be gentle.”

 

That's my basic advice.

 

Another thing Robin Williams said is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

So if you're out there reading this, this is just a very basic outline of what happened with me over the last 10 months or so.

 

Recognize the signs and be gentle, don't be too hard on yourself and get help.

 

Please get help.

Joost is a Belgian in his 50s living in Luanda, Angola, Africa, where he faces the heat, humidity and general chaos to run anything between 60-100 miles per week. He was on a mission to run and win in his age group in the 6 marathon majors and got his 6th star at London in 2023 with a 2:26:10 PB in Berlin in 2019 at 51. He won his M50 AG at the 2022 Chicago Marathon in 2:29 and in 2023 won his AG in London in 2:36. Only Boston, so far, escapes him for an AG win at the 6 Majors. He ran in primary school, but then thought it would be a lot cooler to be a guitar player in a hard rock band, only picking up running again in 2012, gradually improving his results. Please check out Joost's coaching service here

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